why?
by seeyouonthegayside
Summary: au where blue never reveals himself. (i wrote this for school but decided to post it bc why not)


**Okay so I wrote this for a school project and thought it was good so here you go guys**

 **hope you enjoy lol**

I click send and try not to think about the impact that email may have just had on everything. You can practically feel the anxiety seeping through my skin the whole day at school. I can barely remember my performance, how I made it through the scene I don't know. All I can think about is Blue and whether or not he will meet me at the carnival or not, even bigger who he is.

The question that has been bugging me for months, who is he? The aching question that has caused most of my anxiety for the past few weeks. He knows who I am, but who is he? This could change everything, he could feel the same way and meet me at the carnival… or this could all be a joke. A joke ending in me humiliating and heartbroken and probably some jock laughing his a** off.

No, that couldn't happen, not after six months of emailing and telling him things no one else knows.

After the play there's a bunch of people hugging and congratulating us for the show and thanking the audience. All I can think about is Blue though. Was he out there today watching us? Did he see me? Has he been thinking me as much as I have him?

I can't stop checking the time, it's moving so slow and my nerves are screaming with anticipations.

I leave at six. I think about the ways tonight could go down. He could show up and we could talk, maybe more.

I hope more.

Or he won't show up at all and i'll spend the night roaming around the carnival that's supposed to be celebration on our hard work for the play and wonder why.

I don't drive to the carnival immediately, I go home and I get the Elliott Smith shirt. The one thing reminding me Blue is real and might feel the same.

Its funny how a t-shirt can mean so much without even knowing who gave to me. But when I really think I about it, I do know him. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but know that he likes superheroes, has impeccable grammar, his parents are divorced and his step mom is having a baby. I know how hard it was for him to come out to his family and how scared he is to come out the school. I know his voice is the thing i want to hear more than anything in the world. I know that I'm in love with him.

After arriving at the carnival, the first people I see are Abby and Nick.

Walking over, Nick has a ton of stuffed animals taking up the space in his arms.

Abby smiles at me, "come on, sit down".

A little bit shocked that she's over our previous argument so quickly, I smile nervously.

"Are you sure?"

She looks at me, " I'm sorry simon, I overreacted, you get a free pass from because you were blackmailed".

"Really? I'm sorry too,"

" I guess I should technically be thanking you anyway," she says looking at Nick with probably the happiest smile I've seen on her.

"You guys are seriously gonna be the super gross couple, aren't you?" I ask, grinning.

"So that's the shirt right? The one the guy gave you?" she asks

I blush

"What?"

"The guy you're looking for, come on Simon, your eyes are everywhere."

"Oh yeah" I say kinda sheepish now.

"It's actually kinda romantic, you go get'em cowboy" she says.

"Thanks Abby, really, for everything" I say sincerely.

Abby smiles, " go get your man"

Two hours later and I still haven't found him, I think about giving up but then someone sits next to me. No, tell myself, there's still thirty minutes till the park closes, he'll show up. I decide to get on the Tilt-A-Whirl, I sit in an empty pod. Some girls in the one next mine are laughing but most of the ride is empty. I feel someone slide in next me.

"Can I sit here" It's cute Bram.

"Uhh, yeah sure" I say scooting over.

He keeps looking at me.

I'm not sure what he wants.

for a moment, I think maybe he's blue, that maybe blue didn't decide to not show up.

when opens his mouth and I'm ready for it.

This is it. Bram is Blue.

But then he asks for the seat belt instead and I sit there for a moment. Heartbreaking silently, I say "um yeah, okay, here" and give him the seat belt.

When the ride ends, I continue walking around the park, thinking maybe, just maybe, we haven't ran into each other yet, that he's still looking for me but he can't find me.

But inside, I know that's not the case, he just didn't show up. All the emails, all the late night talks, every personal detail I ever told him and no one else, it was for nothing. Because he doesn't show up.

I sit down, just for a moment trying to process the heartbreak i'm feeling right now. I see the rides beginning to shut down, the lights turning off, the park is emptying out and everyone is leaving, but I just can't bring myself to move, or do anything at all.

And as I watch the park shut down, I do the same.

Everyone is gone by now, save for a few workers cleaning up.

I try not too, I really do, I want to get up and go to my car but I just can't bring myself to do anything. I guess nows the time to break down if I'm going to do it. And I do

I sit on the bench, in the dark, empty park, surrounded by rides and games that are supposed to be fun.

And I cry.

And scream.

And I wonder why.


End file.
